Month: June 2003

I’m not dead, I’m still here. I just felt that I needed to wait for something until I wrote in my journal again. And now I feel the time is right to, once again, write in my journal.

Wrigley’s got a patent for Viagra Gum

The Hatfield-McCoy feud was finally ended today after more than a century. Wow, I can finally rest easy! But seriously, did it really deserve to be on the front page of AOL?

So last Friday, in the midst of being angry, mostly with Tom, I put up an away message that said everyone was going to be removed from my buddy list, come Monday. Kristen was the only person who said anything to me about it. But on like Wednesday, Brian IMed me to see if he was deleted. We had a nice 40 minute conversation that ended with us calling each other bitches and warning each other to 25% and 28%. I know that sounds bad, but we were just jokin around. I told him that the IRS had shut down BTC, Inc due to tax evasion and sold it to JAR, Ltd for all its worth: two cents. And then I just kept saying “lysdexic” and that is when the fun began. But he had to go before I could ask him about being friends. But I was able to ask him the next day and he said it was up to me and he’s down with it as long as I don’t get into one of my moods where I get mad for no reason, to which I replied “What the fuck are you talking about????” So we’re still friends.

Then on Thursday night, I think, Torey IMed and said “You;re still alive!! I haven’t talked to you in forever!” And it had only been 3 weeks. I had decided that I didn’t need him in my life anymore. I’m really sick of his BS. We’ve been “friends” since the 2nd day of freshman year. We’ve never hung out outside of school (we were supposed to go to homecoming together frosh year but I had to give him to Spud so she would keep being nice to me. Incidentally, she stopped being nice to me after I said she could go with him) or going out to lunch during school, and he has parties, doesn’t invite me, and lies about it. And he told me that we’re going to be friends for a long time after high school. And it’s just really annoying and it pisses me off. And I called him on the thing about the parties and he said “I have no idea what you’re tlaking about.” I didn’t even dignify that with a response. I was done. Five minutes later he says “Jami, I think I miss you.” And I was like “What???” And he goes “Give me your number so I can call you sometime.” And I was like “Torey you’re really scaring me.” And then he gave me his cell number and I knew he was for real, so I gave him my number. And it couldn’t have been Rhys or one of his friends, because they wouldn;t have spelled my name right. So, wow, just, wow. It brought a tear to my eye. Now we’ll just see if he actually calls me.

George was finally on last night, so I told him about the dream and he said I should have had sex with the other George. Lol. Then I got him addicted to Jizz.

Karis IMed me today to find out how the David Schwimmer thing went. She wasn;t mad at me, she was mad at the world and she was just being Karis. And I understand, because she is, afterall, my kindred spirit. She said she didn;t even tell Beth what was wrong that day. Oh well.

So now I have four official friends from Mundelein (Okay so Torey lives in Grayslake, but he went to MHS), I think that is a record. The only one who keeps askin me to hang out though is Kristen and she’s only in Mundelein two days a week. I may go visit her in Chicago sometime. I don’t really feel the need to hang out with Brian though. I don’t know why, it’s weird. Now I just need to find out if Tom hates me. I don’t want to bother him on the phone, just in case he does, and he’s dumb on IM, so my best bet is to send him an e-mail. I’m gonna wait a couple days.

I guess the best way to get someone’s attention is to leave them alone. Not that I was trying to get attention from Brian, Torey, or Karis. But I do know from the past that Brian will IM me if I don’t talk to him for a while. Lol. I totally forgot about it though. Oh well, future reference.

I leave you with Will Ferrell’s [long] speech to the Harvard graduating class of 2003:

This is not the Worcester, Mass Boat Show, is it? I am sorry. I have made a terrible mistake. Ever since I left “Saturday Night Live,” I mostly do public speaking now. And I must have made an error in the little Palm Pilot. Boy. Don’t worry. I got it on me. I got the speech on me. Let’s see. Ah, yes. Here we go.

You know, when Bill Gates first called me to speak to you today, I was honored. But when he wanted me to be one of the Roxbury guys, I — Sorry, that’s Microsoft. I’m sorry about that. Star Trek Convention. No. NRA. NAACP. Dow Chemical. No. But that is a good one. That is a good speech. The University of Michigan Law. Johns Hopkins Medical School. I’m sorry. Are you sure this is not the boat show? No, I have it. I do have it on me. I do. It’s here. Thank you.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Distinguished Faculty, Administrators, Friends and Family and, of course, the graduating Class of 2003, I wish to say hello and thank you for bestowing this honor upon me as your Class Day speaker. After months of secret negotiations, several hundred secret ballots, and a weekend retreat with Vice President Dick Cheney in his secret mountain bunker, a Class Day speaker was chosen, and it was me. You obviously have made a grave error. But it’s too late now. So let’s just go with it.

Today’s speech is going to be a little different, a little unorthodox. Some of you may find it to be shocking. I’m not going to stand up here and try to be funny. Because even though I am a professional comedian of the highest caliber, I’ve decided to do one thing that a lot of people are probably afraid to do, and that’s give it to you straight.

As most of you are probably aware, I didn’t graduate from Harvard. In fact, I never even got a call back from Admissions. Damn you, Harvard! Damn you! I told myself I would not get emotional today. But damn it, I’m here, and sometimes it’s just good to cry.

I’m not one of you. Okay? I can’t relate to who you are and what you’ve been through. I graduated from the University of Life. All right? I received a degree from the School of Hard Knocks. And our colors were black and blue, baby. I had office hours with the Dean of Bloody Noses. All right? I borrowed my class notes from Professor Knuckle Sandwich and his Teaching Assistant, Ms. Fat Lip Thon Nyun. That’s the kind of school I went to for real, okay?

So my gift to you, Class of 2003, is to tell you about the real world through my eyes, through my experiences. And I’m sorry, but I refuse to sugarcoat it. I ain’t gonna do it. And I probably shouldn’t use the word “ain’t” during this day in which we celebrate education. But that’s just the way I play it, Homes.

Graduates, if you will indulge me for a moment, let me paint a picture of what it’s like out there. The last four or, for some of you, five years you’ve been living in a fantasyland, running around, talking about Hemingway, or Clancy, or, I don’t know, I mean whatever you read here at Harvard. The Novelization of the Matrix, I don’t know. I don’t know what you do here.

But I do know this. You’re about to enter into a world filled with hypocrisy and doublespeak, a world in which your limo to the airport is often a half-hour late. In addition to not even being a limo at all; often times it’s a Lincoln Towncar. You’re about to enter a world where you ask your new assistant, Jamie, to bring you a tall, non-fat latte. And he comes back with a short soy cappuccino. Guess what, Jamie? You’re fired. Not too hard to get right, my friend.

A world where your acting coach, Bob Leslie-Duncan — yes, the Bob Leslie-Duncan — tells you time and time again that you will never, ever be considered as a dramatic actor because you don’t play things real, and are too over the top. Amazing! Simply amazing!

I’m sorry, graduates. But this is a world where you aren’t allowed to use your cell phone in airplanes, during live theater, at the movies, at funerals, or even during your own elective surgery. Apparently, the Berlin Wall went back up because we now live in Russia. I mean just try lighting up a cigar in a movie theater or paying for a dinner for 20 friends with an autograph. It ain’t that easy. Strong words, I know. Tough talk. But more like tough love. Because this is where my faith in you guys comes into play, Harvard University’s graduating Class of 2003, without a doubt, the finest, most talented group of sexual beings this great land has to offer.

Now I know I blew some of your minds with my depiction of what it’s really like out there. But if anyone can handle the ups and downs of this crazy blue marble we call Planet Earth, it’s you guys. As I stare out into this vast sea of shining faces, I see the best and brightest. Some of you will be captains of industry and business. Others of you will go on to great careers in medicine, law and public service. Four of you — and I’m not at liberty to say which four — will go on to magnificent careers in the porno industry. I’m not trying to be funny. That’s just a statistical fact.

One of you, specifically John Lee, will spend most of your time just hanging out in your car eating nachos. You will all come back from time to time to this beautiful campus for reunions, and ask the question, “Does anyone ever know what happened to John Lee?” At that point, he will invariably pop out from the bushes and yell, “Nachos anyone?!” At first, it will scare the crap out of you. But then you’ll share a laugh with your classmates and ultimately look forward to John jumping out of the bushes as a yearly event.

I’d like to change gears here, if I could. Talk a little bit about “Saturday Night Live.” Now, during my 18-year stint on the show, I had the chance to play or impersonate some very interesting people, none more interesting than our current President, Mr. George W. Bush. Now in some cases, you actually have contact with some of the people you play. As a byproduct of this former situation, the President and myself have become quite good friends. In fact, I might even call him a father figure of sorts, granted a dim-witted father figure who likes to take a lot of naps and start wars, but a father figure nonetheless.

When I told the President that I’d be speaking here today, he wondered if I would express some sentiments to you. And I said I’d do my best. So, if you don’t mind, I’d like to read this message from the President of the United States.

Students, Faculty, Families and Distinguished Guests, I just want to take time to congratulate you on your outstanding achievement as graduates of the Class of 2002. The great thing about being the Class of 2002 is that you can always remember what year you graduated because 2002 is a palindrome which, of course, is a word or number that is the same read backwards or forwards. I’ll bet you’re surprised I know that word, but I do. So you can suck on it.

Make no mistake, Harvard University is one of the finest in the land. And its graduates are that fine as well. You’re young men and women whose exuberance exude a confident confidence of a bygone era. I believe it was Shakespeare who said it best when he said, “Look yonder into the darkness for knowledge onto which I say go onto that which thou possess into thy night for thee have come with only a single sword and vanquished thee into darkness.”

I’m going to be honest with you, I just made that up. But I don’t know how to delete it from the computer. Tomorrow’s graduation day speaker is former President of Mexico Ernesto Zedillo. Ernie’s a good man, a deeply religious man, and one of the original members of the Latino boy band Menudo. So listen up to Ernie. He was at the beginning of the whole boy band explosion.

As you set off into the world, don’t be afraid to question your leaders. But don’t ask too many questions at one time or that are too hard because your leaders get tired and/or cranky. All of you sitting here have the brightest of futures ahead. Many of you will go on to stellar careers and various pursuits. And four of you — and I’m not at liberty to say which four — will go on to star in the porno industry.

One of the challenges you will be faced with is finding a job in our depressed economy. In fact, the chances of landing a decent job are about as good as finding weapons of mass destruction in the Iraqi desert. Slim and none. And Slim just left the building. In fact, the closest thing I found to looking like a weapon of mass destruction is the turd that Dick Cheney left in the Oval Office toilet about an hour ago. Man, that thing is a WMD if I’ve ever seen one. On that note, God bless and happy graduation.

You know, I sincerely hope you enjoy this next chapter of your life because it’s really going to be great, as long as you pay your taxes. And don’t just take a year off because you think Uncle Sam is snoozing at the wheel because he will descend upon you like a hawk from hell. Let’s just put it this way. After some past indiscretions with the IRS, my take-home pay last year was $9,000.

I figured I’d leave you today with a song, if you will. So, Jeff, if you could come up here. Jeff Heck, everyone. Please welcome one of your fellow graduates. Jeff is, of course, from Eliot House. You know what you guys? You guys at Eliot House, give yourselves a nice round of applause because you had the head lice scare this year, and it shut you down for most of last semester. But you didn’t mind the tents they set up for you, and you were just troopers. You really were.

Anyway, here’s a song that I think really captures the essence of the Harvard experience. It goes a little like this.

I close my eyes, only for a moment, and the moment’s gone,
All my dreams, pass before my eyes, a curiosity.
Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind.
Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea,
All we do, crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see.
Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind.

Okay, you know what? I’m just realizing that this is a terrible graduation song. Once again, I’m sorry. This is the first time I’ve actually listened to the lyrics. Man, it’s a downer. It’s bleak.

Boy, I want to finish this. Just give me a minute, and let me figure out how to fix this thing. Okay. I think I got it.

Now don’t hang on, nothing lasts forever but the Harvard alumni endowment fund.
It adds up, has performed at 22 percent growth over the last six years.
Dust in the wind, you’re so much more than dust in the wind.
Dust in the wind, you’re shiny little very smart pieces of dust in the wind.

Thank you. Good luck. And have a great day tomorrow.


I took this “test the nation” IQ test on fox tonight and it told me that my IQ is 15 points lower than it is. The last time I got tested was in 5th grade. So like I was freaking out cuz I already think I’m stupid and that didn’t help. So I decided not to believe it until I asked Dr Girard about it. I asked him if it was possible for my IQ to go down that much and he said “Don’t forget you’ve been through the Mundelein High School experience—LOL!!!” It also told him that his was 15 points higher than it is. So, like I thought, it’s a load of crap. And now I have the satisfaction of knowing that my IQ is 23 points higher than his. I can’t believe I’m smarter than Dr Girard…

I had another weird dream last night…

First, I was looking for “Something old, something new, something borrowed, and something moo (I guess cow like)” for my wedding and Brittany Walker and Rachel (Jennifer Aniston…but she was going by “Rachel”) were helping me find stuff. This was at school, btw, but I don’t think it was Mundelein High School. but we stopped our search because Mr Ahlgrim (Everyone from MHS was there, but it just looked like a diff school) came over the announcements and said that Chris Kattan and Madonna have broken up and they would like every student to fill out a 3 page survey about whose fault they think the breakup was. And I was like yeah right, and then I went to the choir room because we had a concert that night. It was also a band concert though and all the bands were going first, so we had like 5 hours to kill. Oh and the concert was in the theatre. And I guess the theatre and the choir room connected. I heard Bryan Crowe say like “Whoa” or something and I went to see why. And he had found some weird door in the wall, that wasn’t there before. So we walked through it and walked into what looked like the MHS cafeteria, but we knew we were in a parallel universe. Everyone looked human. They were all in high school, that was at their high school. Some of them had Rainforest Cafe jean jackets, but mine is better, because none of theirs had leather collars. This kid in the back caught our attention, so we walked over to him. He looked EXACTLY like George. I asked him what his name was and he said it was George. And we were like “whoa, we’re from a parallel universe and there is a guy there who looks just like you and HIS name is George.” Then parallel George took us out of the cafeteria and it turns out that they all live at school and he showed me his bed and then he kissed me. Then I looked at my watch and saw that is was 7:19pm in our universe, so I told parallel George that I had to go and would come back to visit. So Bryan and I got back to the choir room to find George and we told him what happened and he thought it was funny. Then Mr Neubauer came and got me and told me that I needed to choose who was going to sing solo in one of the songs. I would have picked myself, but I didn’t even know what song it was. I noticed Karis on the floor and she gave me a weird look and turned away. I wouldn’t have picked her because I know she’d never do a solo. So I picked Jenna, because she doesn’t really get solos. So I went back to parallel George and it was the next day there. He kissed me again and I went back to the choir room so Mr Neubauer wouldn’t think I was gone, and also to check how much time we had left. Then I went back to parallel George, again it was the next day there. He wanted to have sex with me, so I left and never looked back. Then I went back to the choir room and Mr Neubauer told me I had missed the Lights rehearsal and that we were going to do the competition show and All That Jazz and Anytime You Need a Friend and they were ALL gonna be in our dresses. So there was still a lot of time left in the band concert and by that time, Brian Clark was with me. We went into the theatre and sat in the front row, house right. And Aunt Patty was on stage blabbing away, so Brian and I were talking and someone called his cell phone and asked him if Heather knew that he was with me and he said that she knew and she was okay with it. I thought that was really weird, both in my dream and in real life. Anyway, why he had his cell phone on in a theatre is beyond me. So then he told me that Clinton Attache is really from California and they just lie about being from Mississippi, because they are so good and the other showchoirs from California are not and they were embarrassed because they’re like the best in the country. I really wish I could have seen them somewhere. Anyway, that’s all I remember. I want George to come online so I can tell him.

In other news, I think I scared Tom away. When I got home from Laura’s house, I sent him an IM, and it turns out he never got the IM about calling me. I also told him that I was crying on Friday night cuz I was so upset and I was ready to rip off his testicles. But I was okay now and he didn’t have to make it up to me, but I would still like to hang out with him sometime. And he didn’t answer. And after a while I said “And if you never want to speak to me again, I understand.” And he had just stopped answering me and put up an away message. But he does that sometimes. Plus he was studying for finals. So I really shouldn’t assume anything. I’ll let him take his finals and maybe I’ll give him a ring next week.

I sent Tom and IM this morning saying “I don’t understand and you need to fix that. If you care about me at all, you’ll call me and let me know what is going on.” and I left my cell phone number.

So I went to Laura’s party (got there late, thanx to Matt, and apparently Shellie had already left by the time I got there) and barely anyone was there. I knew her, Blake, Emma (Which made me feel worse cuz Ross and Rachel’s daughter. I forgot to add, I was so upset last night, I didn’t even watch FRIENDS), Matt, and Keith Early. People kept coming and going, but not many. Eventually Mandy showed up. I was so upset and didn’t really tlak to anyone. I felt like it was an MHS cast party, not because I was sick of everyone there, but because I was so hurt from Tom. I had my cell phone on the whole time and I kept waiting for him to call.

Matt’s band played. They’re called “Awful Waffle,” which is obviously from Salute Your Shorts. They’re a really loud punk band and my ears are still ringing. They covered the theme song from Salute Your Shorts. That made me feel a little better, especially to hear Matt say “It’s ‘I hope we never part,’ now get it right or pay the price,” in his voice.

We were there until like 10pm and then Matt, Blake, Laura and I went to her [Laura’s] house for a few minutes while her dad went and bought Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

Then we went to Baskin Donuts, where Laura bought me a donut and milk, because I was too cold for ice cream. They made me call Tom. I was so upset, I was ready to rip off his testicles. Grr I hate him so much, because he’s such a nice guy and I can’t be mad at him. *shakes fist* he said he’s got too much studying to do for finals (and he was reading on a Saturday night and asked if that was pathetic) and he was really sorry and he’ll make it up to me. I dunno how the heck he’s gonna make up for missing David Schwimmer. Maybe I’ll make him buy me Starlight Express tix or Race tix and take me . I’m just so mad that I’m not mad. Like, I’m still really disappointed, cuz, come on, David Schwimmer, but he’s just too nice and I can;t…grr *shakes fist*

So then the four of us went to Matt’s house and put in Ferris Bueller. Matt came up with the genius idea to put on captions. It was good, because we wound up talking through the whole movie. But we’ve all seen it a million times before, so iss awl good. Laura and I kept saying the same things at the same time and she was flipping out lol.

Then Laura drove me home and I finally saw the statue of Mary. “Holy Mother of God!” was what I said when I saw it. I thought it would have only been like 10 or 12 feet. Nope, it’s literally 90 feet tall!!! And the width is like….jeez I dun even know!! But the thing is frickin scary, dude!! I am afraid for my town and for the Catholic religion. Man.

Anyway, I am not going to stay in bed all day tomorrow, like I planned. I am feeling better, and I think it serves me right anyway for being so shallow and wanting to go, just cuz David Schwimmer is gonna be there.

My ears are still ringing. Thank God I have two years of American Sign Language under my belt!

I’m really disappointed and hurt right now. I IMed Tom to get directions to his apartment and he told me that he can’t make it on Sunday. It was nice of him to tell me. I really thought he was just messing with me, but he hasn’t answered in 45 minutes and when I called his cell phone, he didn’t answer. He didn’t even apologize. I don’t understand.

I feel worse than when I found out we couldn’t go to Sullivan.

David Schwimmer…

I just don’t feel right about calling it ‘rehearsal’ anymore. Because that’s not what it is. It’s an obligation.

I did wind up trying for Mrs Luce, but since Mr Neubauer ruined any and all confidence I have ever had in myself, I obviously didn’t do well.

I decided that if I do wind up talking about him again, I really will call him ‘Mr Neubauer.’ Because he didn’t lower my grade for missing graduation.

You Are Muddy The Mud Skipper!!

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Ugh it’s way too early to be up. I’ve been up for two hours, but I was laying (lying?) in bed trying to go back to sleep, and it just wasn’t working.

Tom sent me an IM last night saying that he has finals next week and a huge project due on Monday, so it turns out that he CAN’T go on Sunday. And I was like freaking out and I was so frickin disappointed.

And then I woke up and realized it was a dream. Phew. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever woken up and said “Oh thank God it was only a dream!”

So anyway, I couldn’t go back to sleep, and here I am.

87% of men picture their wife as someone else when they have sex.
54% of marriages end in divorce.
What is wrong with the world? It’s stuff like that that makes me afraid to ever get married.

I forgot to say that the only thing John said to me yesterday was “Hi Jami.” And now I’m free.

Umm yeah I think Karis like hates me now and I have no idea why. I showed her a pic of the ring yesterday and then I started talking to her and she like started talking to someone else, though other people from Loch Lomond tend to do that too, so maybe it’s the lake water or something. Anyway, and then later it was clear that she was upset about something so I asked her what was wrong and she said she wouldn’t tell me and then she went off with Beth Havansek. Then when I IMed her last night to find out what was wrong, she said nothing was wrong and put up an away message and eventually signed off. That is really not like her. I didn’t do anything, so she should have any reason to be mad at me. But I’m not going to see her again, so I’m gonna let her cool down for a while and if she decides she wants to splain, then she can make the effort.

I’m really sick of all my relationships lacking reciprocity and I need to rid myself of those that don’t. Which should be easier, now that senior year is over. Btw, if we’re in between SEnior year and freshMEN year, does that make us SEMEN?

Haha, on that note, I have decided that I am going to really work on being more mature. I’ve been acting really immature for four years now and it is long past time to stop. If George can do it, so can I!