Somebody asked me the other day to define love. I have been in love before but I have absolutely no idea how to define it. I just know that next time it will be different and better, and hopefully the last time.
I was trying to remember how I used to think when it comes to dating and how I think about it now, because a lot has changed.
The first time I ever liked anyone was in 5th grade (okay I had a boyfriend for a year in kindergarten/first grade and a celebrity crush in third grade, but they don’t count). I liked Josh Bouton for 3.5 years. Somewhere in there I liked David Erlandson for maybe six weeks. But until 8th grade it was basically just Josh that I cared about and nobody else. Then in 8th grade I became boy crazy out of nowhere and started liking pretty much every guy I saw (including counselors from camp haha). 8th grade was when all my friends really started dating, and everyone on TV would have a date every week and anyone who didn’t have a date was looked down on. So by 8th grade when I still hadn’t even had anybody like me, I really started to feel like there was something wrong with me and I felt like I needed a boyfriend or else I couldn’t be happy. I think I liked Brandon more than anybody else in 8th grade (and maybe George, but looking back it is hard to remember) and I really thought he liked me too, as did everyone else, but he claimed that he didn’t. I don’t want Brandon to be in this entry, but it is kind of hard to write this without mentioning him, but it still really hurts to think about him.
I finally decided Brandon didn’t like me and moved on and then at the beginning on Freshman year he decided that he was going to ruin my life by telling me that he really did like me in 8th grade, and still did. I can’t really say that we dated, because we technically didn’t go on any dates, but he was my first kiss, whether he will admit to it or not. He also made my life a living Hell and I wish I hadn’t felt like I NEEDED a boy in my life, back then, because then none of that ever would have happened, and if it did, I wouldn’t have let it bother me so much and I also wouldn’t have been so depressed and for so long.
I continued with the boy craziness and the constant feeling that I NEEDED a boyfriend or I couldn’t be happy throughout freshman and most of sophomore year. Then I met Patrick in February 2001. Okay, I had met him once in November, but we met again in February. It was the week before our turnabout and I asked him that day and he said yes, we exchanged screen names and phone numbers and he asked me out the next day. We had our first kiss on our first date and said I love you the day after. And since there is nothing wrong with rushing into a relationship, why not take it a step further and fool around too after having only been together for oh about seven weeks. I did it because I was in love. And for the record, it was my initiation…I am the slut, I will admit to that (I also kissed my boyfriend in kindergarten on the lips lol). When I was with him I was so happy, but only when I was in the same room as him. We only saw each other once a week, because he lives in Kenilworth (40 minutes away from Mundelein) and I was a sophomore and he was a freshman…neither of us could drive. When I wasn’t with him I was miserable, when I was talking to him I was complaining that I wasn’t with him, and that is about all we talked about because we didn’t know each other and we didn’t have a whole lot to talk about and there were a lot of long pauses when we talked. I was so unhappy when I wasn’t right next to him, because I wasn’t happy on my own, and I really did need him to feel good about myself, because I couldn’t do it on my own. And even then I always wondered why he loved me, or if he did at all and maybe was just pretending like he did. We were only together for 2.5 months. I was crushed. It took me 10 months to get over him. It probably wouldn’t have been so hard if I hadn’t done anything with him but oh well. Hindsight is 20/20.
After him I still had a few crushes, but I wasn’t nearly as bad as I was before. I now knew what it was like to have a boyfriend and realised it was something special and not something you should take lightly, but I still kind of wanted a boyfriend, because I was unhappy.
Then like the day after my 17th birthday, I don’t know where this came from, I just out of nowhere stopped caring and I haven’t had feelings for anybody since that day (for the record it was not Brian Clark I liked at that time…I had already been over him for a whole three days lol).
From that I decided it wasn’t important. I didn’t need a boy to make me happy (but it was another year and a half before I actually was happy…for the first time since I was really little). I want to get married and I am not going to waste my time dating or even kissing somebody I would never marry and I am not going to rush into a relationship or go out with someone who doesn’t have the same beliefs as me (I could go on and on about this. See ideal husband post). I try really hard to put up walls around every single guy I ever talk to. Unfortunately, some guys have X-ray vision. I am just not interested. If I am interested in a guy, I will let him know.
I am pretty good at sticking with this, it helps that I don’t find anyone I want to date. I slipped when I met Jim (summer 2004), because I knew God brought me to that job because of a guy and Jim was cute and liked me, so I assumed it was him, and even though I didn’t like him and we didn’t know each other, I agreed to go out on a date with him and got hurt (if you didn’t know me then…we never actually made it to the date. He canceled on me because
I won’t have sex with someone I am not married to he had a girlfriend. Then I slipped even more later that summer with Matt and I will deny that we dated until I am blue in the face, but looking back I know we probably technically were dating, but I don’t count it as that because I didn’t have feelings for him (which is why I am so mad at myself for kissing him, even though we were really good friends. That and because I later found out and he and Monica really were not broken up, like he told me they were). In a way I am glad he stopped talking to me, because it is not healthy to be that close to someone you don’t have feelings for. Then I met Scott January of last year and I thought he was cute and he liked me, but I told him I wanted to get to know him first (it helped that i didn’t have feelings for him, otherwise I probably would not have said that, despite what I have promised myself over and over again), which is a good thing because I found out we do not have the same beliefs. I also found out he only wanted to go out with me because he thinks all Jewish girls put out??? Lol.
A while ago I finally met someone that I would want to date, if I could and I would probably like him if I had the chance. It’s been months now and I still feel the same way and I am frustrated that we live so far away from each other, just because it has been so long since I have found someone I wanted to be with. I guess it is a good thing we don’t live near each other, because if we did we probably would have rushed into a relationship. Now we know each other really well and maybe someday we can be together. I know if God wants us to be together it will happen eventually. I am not worried or in a hurry, it is just frustrating for me.
I think that’s all I have to say about this.