12 Ways the Bible would be different if it were written by college students

12. ‘Blood of Christ’ switched from red wine to keg beer.

11. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning: cold!

10. Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.

9. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.

8. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t dorm food.

7. Paul’s Letter to the Romans becomes Paul’s E-Mail To:

6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

5. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

4. Out go the mules; In come the mountain bikes.

3. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn’t want to ask directions and look like Freshmen.

2. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

Why does my house smell like Gak??

Jami: Only you can prevent forest fires.
Marni: That’s a lie, so can you.

Okay I am writing this as a warning to those who lives out here….do NOT, I repeat, do NOT use the Shell Station on 60/83 & 176. EVER.

I went to get gas there yesterday because it was 10 cents cheaper than anywhere in Mundelein or Grayslake. Well for some reason it would not pump gas into my car. I tried three times and eventually it told me to go see the attendant (the station was pretty full so I couldn’t have just switched pumps), so I did, because I really didn’t have a choice. So I walked inside and the guy bore a striking resemblence to Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, which put me off, but there was nobody else there. He told me I should just go try it again, so I did, and again it did not work. So I went back inside and after being heckled from both him and some 40 year old man who overheard the conversation (It’s just technology, it’s not hard…” SHUT UP I’m 20 years old, I think I know how to pump gas!!) he came outside and told me it should work and then went back inside. Well it still didn’t work so I went back inside and a second attendant came out to see what the problem was. An older man with an Eastern Eureopean accent. He claimed it was my credit card. Now I had just used this card and I know I have not hit my limit and I know there’s nothing wrong with the strip on the back of it because I have only had it since around February, so it is a fairly new card. So he took me back inside and said I would have to prepay and I didn’t know how much it would cost so I just said $20. So I went back outside and FINALLY it worked and I got exactly $20 worth of gas and even though the whole ordeal was 20 minutes, I went off on my merry way, as I was listening to my Anna Nalick CD and I thought it wasn’t even significant enough to write about it in here.

Well today my credit card company called to let me know they think there has been some fraudelant activity on my account. It turned out those jackholes at the gas station charged $70 to my account instead of $20. Wow that really sticks in my craw.

So there is your warning, do not use that gas station! If you must buy food from there, keep in mind there is a Citgo right across the street and Dominick’s right down the street. Do not do business with these gents!

On another note, I totally love Citibank for catching that.

Okay so here it is, my extra credit assignment for Soc that wound up being three pages when it was only supposed to be one. Heh.

What is my ideal husband like? When I was assigned this as extra credit, I was very excited, as this is something I have been thinking about for quite sometime. Especially since I got the bouquet (notice how I said ‘got’ and not ‘caught’) at a wedding on February 12, 2005. This assignment should come fairly easy to me, because of that.

The most important thing I want in a husband is someone who has the same beliefs as me. I would prefer a Messianic Jew, but if I find a nice gentile boy with the same beliefs as me, I am not going to turn him away just because he is not Jewish, because that would be stupid. But if I like two guys equally and one was a Messianic Jew, I would most definitely take him over the other one. That will get a guy bonus points in my book every single time. Having the same beliefs as me includes the willingness to pray with me on a daily basis. I know from experience any relationship not based on a spiritual foundation will crash and burn. Sizzle. I thought I would throw in some onomatopoeia.

The next most important thing is that he has got to be understanding, patient, sensitive, and supportive. I count those as basically one trait, because I do not believe you can have any one of those without the other three. They walk hand in hand in hand in hand. I have Bipolar Disorder and the last thing I need is for someone to walk away from me when I am crying. I have had that happen to me before and it was not the least bit enjoyable. If he cannot deal with that then I cannot marry him. No exceptions.

I think smoking is gross and I do not think it is right or a good idea to drink or do drugs. Okay having a drink or two is okay if you are 21, but getting drunk is completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated by me. There is no way I can marry a man who does drugs and or gets drunk because not only is he putting himself and other people in harms way, but he is not in control of himself and I do not want or need to be cheated on.

Marriage is sacred and I believe in one person, one lifetime. Which means I do not believe in divorce and I would not want to marry anyone who does. That also means I do not believe in premarital sex and I would really like to marry a man who feels the same way. I am not going to not marry someone just because he has already been with someone else. If he has been with one other person and he did it because he was in love I would understand, but there is no way I could understand any reason for doing that. In the event that he has been with someone already, he must respect the fact that I am waiting until I am married.

A sense of humor is another key ingredient in my ideal husband. I cannot be around someone with the personality of a wet mop and I try to avoid those kinds of people at all costs. If he cannot make me laugh he is out. While a sense of humor is very important to me, what is even more important is if he can make me smile. I do not really know how to explain that, but it makes sense in my head and that is all that matters…unless it is someone telling me to burn things.

He also definitely needs to be smart. I do not think I need to expand on that, because I think it explains itself but two sentences does not equal a paragraph so I need to think of something else to say. I do not need him to be Mensa worthy, but I do not want him to be the type of person that thinks tuna is chicken. All I ask is that he can carry on a semi intelligent conversation.

There are some other things that are important to me that I cannot make into a full paragraph, so I am writing them all in one. I would like him to be taller than me. I am only 5’3” so that should not be hard. I also cannot marry anyone who puts ketchup on his hot dogs. I will make an exception if he is not from Chicago, but only if he agrees to change his wayward ways. Although not very important, I will give bonus points to a man who has any of the following things: good looks, an Australian accent, or a good singing voice.

I am sure there are some things I am forgetting. There are also some things that I left out, because I think they are implied. For example, I would not want to marry a man who commits felonies. That is just common sense. I do not want to find body parts in my refrigerator, or anywhere else for that matter. I could go on and on about this topic and expand on a lot of things I have said, but I have already rambled on for a page and a half longer than I was supposed to, so I am going to bring this puppy to a conclusion.

While all of the aforementioned things are very important to me and my ideal husband would have all of the above qualities, he should have something wrong with him. I know from experience that it is not a good idea to enter a relationship thinking someone is perfect, and, if need be, I will go out of my way to find a flaw, just so that I am not disappointed later on. This may seem unrealistic but I am confident God will allow me to marry a man with all of these qualities and I am not worried.

~Jane and Michael Banks

Okay so I didn’t sign it Jane and Michael Banks, because I didn’t think he would get the reference, but I added it here. I also should have said he gets extra points if he can play the kazoo. Oh and I was sort of rushed when I wrote this.

Someday love will find me in the rough

This literally made me laugh out loud.

I just want everyone to stop saying “hokay.” Is that so much to ask?

Poor kid. Lol.

I seriously think something laid eggs in my wrist. Eeeeeeewwww!!!!!

So I decided to print out a new application for Eastern and get it ready so just in case I don’t get in, I can send my Spring application the very first second I possibly can. I happened to see that they are still accepting transfer applications for Fall 2005, so they would have no problem replacing me if I don’t get in.

I was extremely confident that I had gotten a B on my Midsummer Night’s Dream paper for English and when I went to pick it up today, I saw that my teacher, the very tough grader, had given me not a B, but…AN A….what?! I am also pretty confident about my poetry paper that I just turned in. I don’t want to get overly confident but I do believe I will be getting a B as a final grade in that class, which means my GPA will be a 2.0. YES. Still no guarantee I’ll get into Eastern, but at least I’ll be off of academic probation and can keep my financial aid. Well okay i don’t want to speak too soon but yay.

Someone on the MySpace Eastern group just wrote this in response to something I said. “Jami is funny. Funny girls are awesome. Keep it up, you Jewish wonder.” Hehe.

I talked to Kelly for about 30 seconds. She’s doin alright. She said it’ll be three or four weeks before she gets the bandages off of her eyes. That sucks. It’s a good thing she’s ggoing to Columbia in the Fall because they don’t start classes until the end of September, so that will give her plenty of time to recover. I’m still prayin for her though!

They are making a Get Smart movie. Steve Carell is playing Maxwell. NICE. They haven’t cast 99 yet but I was thinking Elizabeth Hurley. Someone on the IMDB boards suggested Christa Miller. I can see that working as well. My Dad doesn’t think she can act well enough though. I do, but even if she couldn’t, that hasn’t stopped them from casting people before. Just look at Ashlee Simpson and Denise Richards.

I don’t think I wrote about this but a couple weeks ago I was on my way to CLC and was stopped at a stop light. I saw this guy carrying his bike across the road. He was dressed like he was in the Tour de France. When he got across the street he put his bike down and I saw that is was not a bicycle, but a unicycle. He got on and started riding and fell right off. He got back on and started riding and fell right off. I had to drive away but I would have loved to sit there and watch him, for I was greatly amused. Who uses a unicycle for transportation?